If I Never Knew You
by RockTheWorld
Summary: Everyone knows that Edward loves Bella, and Bella loves Edward. But how far will this love take them? To the brink of time, trials, and one another. All they know is their love for one another and that they are bound to one another - like it or not.
1. At the Bottom of Everything

The fire was so hot, it was almost cold again. She squirmed, writhed, screamed and pulled at her hair. The next thing she knew, her shirt was ripped and her fingernails scratched at it fruitlessly. Tears ran down her face, leaving cool trails that were soon engulfed in flames again. The more she rolled around, the more she felt each of the million knives stabbing deeper and deeper in to her skin. She heard a deep voice.

"Die."

She shook her head and swore she could feel her brains rattle around inside. Her lungs hurt from breathing, the weight and pressure upon them almost too much to take. She began to beat my chest, trying to get my heart beating again, back to the rhythm she knew so well. This wasn't that rhythm. This was different – slower, erratic. She tried lying completely still, hoping that maybe it was the movement that brought forth the pain, that if she could stop moving she could stop the pain. That wasn't the case. Lying still stopped the knives, but only seemed to make the heat hundreds of times worse. She began to cry even harder, sobs shaking her body, the pain unbearable with each movement. She heard the voice again.

"Die."

She opened her eyes, trying to see who it was that was calling to her, giving her a commandment she wished whole-heartedly to fill. Her eyes swam with color, but nothing was as it was supposed to be. Colors were wrong, and everything was seen with haze, as though the room was filled with smoke and she was desperately trying to see through it. The strain of opening her eyes made her head hurt. As if it didn't already hurt.

"Die."

"I'm trying."

"Die."

"Please. I'm trying. Help me. Help me die."

"Die."

The conversation raged on inside her head, herself calling, begging for help to end her existence. And the voice commanding, commanding, commanding. Requiring her to end the suffering that was consuming her body. She tried to call out, to tell him to stop and to be quite or help her or get out or…just to stop. But her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth, cemented there by the fire that raged throughout her body. Robbed of every possible outlet of communication, she lay silent and shook. Shook with pain, with fear, with desperation for it all to end.

"Die."

It was then she realized that the voice which so emphatically required my demise was _her_ voice. It wasn't a command, not to her. It was a command to him. A command to help her, to finish what he had started – what she had begged him to start, begged him to start without knowing better. He had always told her what it would be like, what the pain would entail. She had thrown his warnings away, had brushed them off with the desire to be with him. Forever. And now she was getting all of that, but at a cost more grave than she ever could have imagined. So it was my voice calling out. He had begun something, and she longed for him to finish. At this realization, she felt the heat in her body spike, and her heart stop. She was dead.

"Dead."

She called to him, and he wanted to do what he could. He pressed his hands on to her cheeks, and even he could feel the fire that raged inside her. The feeling brought back horrible memories, memories of the pain he endured in that dingy, dirty hospital all those years ago, when Carlisle had welcomed him in to this world. He hadn't had a choice, so he endured the pain deftly, with a bravery he hadn't known he possessed. He hadn't had a choice. But her, to do this to her…he had to look away. He pressed his hands over his eyes, feeling the residual heat from her body sink in to his. He hadn't wanted to do it. She had begged, pleaded, reminded him of promises he never should have made. She had married him. She had graduated. She had let Alice plan things for her. He wasn't left with a choice.

She opened and shut her eyes, but he could tell that she never really saw him. Her eyes would wander left and right, up and down, the look on her face as blank as the piece of paper in front of him. He knew it was stupid to keep a diary, but he couldn't help it. He needed to remember. 150 years of memories could grow pretty dim after a while. Besides, he needed to remind himself of this, of this moment – the moment he had caused the greatest Earthly pain to the woman he had waited 150 years of his life to love. The woman who had given herself to him even before she knew she was doing it. He couldn't read her mind, but between Alice and Jasper, he had known she loved him long before she told him. If only he had been able to tell her as early. He was always so afraid for her. He was still afraid for her. He crossed to her bedside and took her hand in his. It was so warm and shaking so violently that he was afraid he wouldn't be able to hold it. The thought of having to letter go, however, cemented his resolve.

"Bella…" he was at a loss for words. He just didn't know what to say. He wanted to apologize – knew he should apologize for what he had done to her, what he was making her go through. But he couldn't. Not completely. Because he was also thankful. Thankful that he wouldn't have to worry about her as much anymore, thankful that now she would truly be one of the family, thankful that now they could finally have sex. He may have been 150 years old, but he was still a guy! He rubbed her hand, his thumb making what he hoped were cooling circles on the back of her palm. He kissed is, pressing his cold lips to her fiery skin. She whimpered and turned to him, her eyes open and, for once, focused.

"Edward…"

"Shh…." He put his finger to her lips and she nodded, although slightly. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He rested his cheek upon hers. She moaned again, this time as though his touch provided her comfort. "I love you so much, my darling. So, so much," all he could do was repeat the words over and over in her ear. They weren't enough. Words had never been enough, never would be enough. The only thing to make her understand how much he loved her was to do what he had done. To cause her indescribable pain and then spend the rest of his life trying to bring her indescribable pleasure. He would take her to see the greatest cities in the world, would show her art and books and music. She would get a college education – ten college educations! They would have babies and houses and see all the things in the world that people waited lifetimes to see. Because that was what they had together. Lifetimes.

"Dead." He lifted his head to look at her, surprised to have heard her speak. He knew how difficult that was for her. He wasn't sure he'd heard her right, but he couldn't ask her to repeat herself. He dropped his head to her chest and pressed his ear hard against her breast. The only sounds were the shaking of her body against the bed and the tick of a clock in the corner of his bedroom.

"That's right, my love. Dead. You're dead." The words sounded strange to him. Strange but lovely. He knew what this meant. Soon, she would be with him again. Soon this would all be over, for her and for him. He turned back towards his diary and kicked it towards the floor, pulling himself from sitting to laying. He left his head on her chest and closed his eyes, the closest thing he could manage to sleep, as she shook and burned beneath him.


	2. Accidentally in Love

A/N: Nope

A/N: Nope. I own no one. Don't I wish.

She rolled over and attempted to stretch, but her muscles felt glued to her body.

"I wouldn't."

She looked over and saw him sitting there, a book in his lap, his lanky body sprawled across the black leather couch. The light coming in through the ceiling high window provided him with more glow than his skin naturally did.

"What," she mumble, feeling as though her mouth were full of rocks. Once, when she was little, Renee had taken her to get a cavity filled at the dentist, and she had fainted at the mere smell of the blood. When she woke up, her mouth was filled with cotton and the dentist was hard at work on her teeth. She recalled this memory with a vague kind of sadness and, dare she say it, fondness. She'd trade this for that any day.

"Your muscles may be a little…stiff for a little while. But can I get you anything?" Quicker than she'd ever seen him move, he was by her side. And that was really saying something. She tried to sit up, but stiffness didn't even begin to describe it. She literally couldn't move. She watched him as he sank behind her, lifting her head in to his lap with grace. All of a sudden, she was sitting up, leaning back against his arm. It didn't feel as cold as it usually did. If anything it felt…normal. It was then that the memories all came back to her.

The pain, the knives, the fire. The voice constantly repeating, commanding death, demanding the end to her life. And him, sitting quietly by, the cooling quality of his skin playing tricks with her inferno of a body. And….the death that had followed. She took what felt like hours to turn her head, and she looked at him. He looked back, looked into her eyes until she was sure that now she could read his mind. He nodded.

"So I'm a…."

"Yes."

"But I don't feel..."

"Different? That will come. Right now your body is still running through what little venom is in your system. Trust me – the rest will come."

"Still running through…that means I've been out for…"

"Three days. Well, two and a half, technically. I must say that the others are really impressed! Emmet pegged you for four days; even Carlisle had you down for a solid three. None of them thought you'd come around this fast, even Jasper, who had the fastest turn-around of us all."

"So if I'm a…a…vampire," the word stuck in her throat. She wasn't sure if that was because her mouth felt heavy and covered with glue, or because she wasn't used to the word in reference to herself quite yet, "does that mean that I'm beautiful?" She watched as the pain spread across his face, though it did so only fleetingly.

"Bella, you've always been beautiful. If you think that me doing this has somehow made you," she cut him off with a stare. She didn't want to hear it.

"Just let me see." She stared him down until he nodded. He left her side and she felt herself sink back in to the pillows, the support from his arm suddenly gone. She tried to sit up, but still felt made of stone. He was back in less than a second, a small, silver mirror in hand. It vaguely resembled the diamond heart that still tinkled around her wrist next to the small, wooden wolf. As she reached out for the mirror, she was surprised to find her thoughts drift to Jacob momentarily, and even more surprised when her thoughts of him were met with a flash of rage. She was reminded of how long it would take for things to get back to normal, if they ever got back to normal, between her and Jacob.

"It was my mothers," he whispered, and she shivered to feel his voice on the back of her neck again. He had slipped behind her and she hadn't even noticed. Even now his effect on her was dazzling. "I found it after the change, when I went back to the house."

"Is it…?"

"Diamond? Yeah. Hand made. My father gave it to her on their 15th anniversary. She always hated it. She always hated to look at herself. But she couldn't get rid of it. Not after her husband had given it to her." She smiled at the story, touched both by the beauty and the sentimentality of the whole thing. She turned it over slowly, not sure she wanted to see what was awaiting her in the glass.

She gasped when she saw herself, making Edward chuckle. Her long, brown hair had morphed in to a shimmering chocolate wave, flecked with tinges of gold where the light hit it. Her skin, alabaster and pure, was almost translucent, but it seemed to glow from within in the way that she had always admired of Alice and Edward and the others. Her eyes glowed deep amber, flecked with tinges of the original green they had once been. Her lips were fuller, redder, and even her nose seemed to have morphed – more dignified, more refined. She was beautiful. Stunning, in the way she had always wanted to be for him. She looked at Edward and smiled. "I'm really, really pretty," she whispered. Edward laughed out loud and removed the mirror from her hands.

"You're…okay," he replied, the half-smile she loved so much playing games on the corner of his mouth.

"If I could lift my arm, I'd hit you so hard right now," she said back, sticking out her tongue. "And this time, it might actually hurt." He chuckled again. "But Edward…aren't my eyes supposed to be, well, you know, red." He nodded.

"They're supposed to be, but we've taken care of that. You haven't exactly been up for steak and eggs, but I've managed to get you some…sustenance in the mean time. I wanted you to wake up happy, fed, and only mildly worse for wear."

"So I've been…"

"Feeding. Yes. Well, kind of. More like a baby. Alice and Jasper have been on the hunt for days, bringing back whatever they find. It's not fresh, but it'll have to do."

"So wait. Your family have been out hunting for me and you've been…"

"Here. Taking care of you. Mostly just trying to shut out the sound of your screams. Bella, I'm so sorry that you had to go through what you just went through. I'm so, so sorry that you've felt that pain and if there's anything I can do to-"

"Make it up to me? Is that where you're going with this? Just give that up, Edward. There's nothing to make up for. You gave me EXACTLY what I wanted, and now I'll have everything I want. Forever. I'll have you." She lifted her head as much as possible, and tilted her lips towards his. She felt relief flush through her as his lips met hers. She had been worried about feeling differently about him, but this was…this was better than it had ever been before, better than she had ever imagined it being. Because how he wasn't holding back, wasn't afraid of hurting her. He leaned in to the kiss, pressing his body against her, the weight pressing her back in to the mountain of pillows. She fell in to the kiss, her eyes closed, her mind racing when-

"Ouch," she muttered, her eyes flying open. She felt the urge to bring her hand to her lips, but the movement was stifled by her body's complete inability to move. He grinned down at her.

"Whoops."

"What just happened? Did you just…bite me?" His eyes twinkled and his head moved slightly, in what she could only interpret as a nod.

"You…you jerk! How could you do that?"

"I would prefer you able to move before we continue down the path we were just on. Besides, I have a surprise for you." And, with that, she was back in to the pillows, the support of his arm gone, her head leaned back. She examined the ceiling and wondered…_when did the hard part of being a vampire come in? _


	3. Ice, Ice, Baby

Edward strolled out of the room and Bella relaxed back against the bed sheets. She could feel their silky smoothness beneath her, which she took as a good sign – at least she was starting to feel _something_. She had closed her eyes and was on the brink of sleep again when she heard the door open and close quietly. She wasn't sure, but there had to be something to her new vampire senses that allowed her to hear to almost non-existent noise. She opened her eyes, blinked through the fog in her eyes, and smiled. She would always smile when she saw him. It was inevitable, and now it was eternal.

"I have something for you." The box lay heavy on her lap. Slowly, with concentration she never thought she'd have to use, Bella managed to lift her arms and pull at the red ribbon surrounding the white package. It wasn't budging, and she looked to Edward for help. He chuckled and, within a matter of seconds, had the box open, black tissue paper staring up at her ominously. She brushed it aside and, with Edward's help, lifted the long, heavy red gown out of the box. She gasped as the fabric draped itself across her lap.

The dress was more beautiful than anything she had ever seen. The bodice was a deep, rich blood red, lined at the color with thin black lace. The bodice had a black velvet insert, a triangle with the tip at her waist and the base enveloping what would, she was sure, but quite the nice bust once she had it on. The skirt was full, the same deep crimson as the bodice, but hand embroidered with some kind of sparkly black thread. The branches and leaves looked stark, dead, beautiful. The hem of the dress was also lined in black lace. And, trailing all along the waist, was a sewn-in belt of twinkling white diamonds, knocking against each other in a kind of music that Bella knew was a bit to grand for her. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the dress, and jumped a bit when she heard Edwards voice right by her ear. His breath danced across the line of her shoulder, and she began to shiver. She wasn't sure if it was him or the dress.

"It's….it's beautiful. More than beautiful. Radiant! It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" She whispered. She felt that hushed tones, out of respect, needed to be used around the dress. She tore her eyes away from it and looked at Edward, who watched her carefully, quietly gauging for a reaction. "I love it. Absolutely love it." He smiled.

"I'm glad. I wasn't sure. I didn't know how you felt about red…"

"It's beautiful. Where did you…"

"It was my grandmothers. Left over from the late 1800's. It was her mourning dress, after my grandfather died. My mother inherited it, and never got the chance to wear it…you have her coloring, so I thought, just maybe…"

"I love it!" She hugged the dress to her, feeling the action drain energy from her body. She really wasn't up to much more than that, quite yet. Edward nodded.

"I thought it'd be perfect."

"For what?" He half-smiled at her slyly. Immediately, she felt her stomach drop. He was planning something. She wasn't sure why she hadn't seen it coming. She began to twirl her charm bracelet around her wrist absentmindedly. It was a habit she was soon developing.

"You'll see. Just put it on." And, before she had time to argue, he was across the room and out the door. Alice came in a few seconds later to find Bella still sitting, fingering the black lace of one of the cuffs. Alice had seen the gift coming, but was still struck by the beauty of the dress, more beautiful than she had foreseen.

"Hey. Edward sent me in to see how I could help you. How are you feeling?"

"I can't move anything other than my arms, I'm feeling a little bit hungry, and I'm not sure what to do about either one of those things."

"Well, the stiffness is to be expected, and I'll tell Emmett about the hunger thing, and I'm sure we can get that taken care of before you guys leave. But lets get you into this dress, okay? Edward will kill me if its time for the two of you to go and you're still not ready." Alice's cold hands were pulling gently at the shirt Bella was wearing, easing it over her head. Bella did the best she could to lean, bend, and assist Alice in getting dressed, but she felt like she was made of stone. She was beginning to wonder how long it would be until she could move again.

"Where are we going," she prodded hopelessly, even though she knew that Alice wasn't going to tell her. Alice just winked at the question, picking Bella up and putting her back down at the small vanity in the corner of the room, which Bella hadn't noticed until now. "When did Edward get a vanity?"

"He had Esme go out and get it while you were…you know…indisposed. He figured it might be something you'd want to have, though I told him it was ME that the present would be more enjoyable for." While she talked, Alice began to comb, tweeze, hairspray and mascara Bella, and Bella just sat hopelessly. Normally she would have protested, but this time there was no physical way for her to fight back, and the words would have fallen on deaf ears, anyway. When she stepped away from the mirror, and Bella was able to get a look at herself, her jaw dropped.

The dress flattered her skinny figure, the bodice highlighting just a hint of bosom. The black on the edge brought out the glow in her now-alabaster skin, and the deep crimson brought somewhat of a blush to her cheeks. The make-up made her eyes sparkle, and her hair fell about her face in curls and waves, thicker and more luscious than she'd ever seen it before. Around her waist, the small diamonds cast rainbows of light on the dress, tiny prisms of color on the deep, expansive maudlin tones of the dress. Around her neck was a chocker she didn't remember having put on, and the black stones shone, multifaceted polished. Bella saw Alice slip out of sight and very vaguely registered the feeling of shoes being slipped on her feet. When she pulled up the skirt of the dress, she noticed a pair of low, black heels, embroidered with red roses that almost identically matched the color of the dress.

"Oh. Wow." She felt the urge to turn in her chair, but felt herself stopped by her own body. But his voice was enough. He was impressed. The reaction made her feel good. "Bella. You look….wow." He was standing by her side, holding her hand, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She met his eyes in the mirror and smiled, and he grinned back at her.

"So now will you tell me where we're going?" He shook his head and, reaching around into his back pocket, took out a blindfold, which he slipped over her eyes. Suddenly, her entire world was shrouded in darkness, and she could feel fear beginning to gurgle in the pit of her stomach. "Edward, really? Why won't you just tell us where we're going?"

"What kind of a honeymoon is that," he whispered in her ear. She felt him grasp her waist and, suddenly, here feet weren't on the ground anymore.

"'Bye, guys," Alice called, and from the sound of her voice, she had moved to the couch and was most likely lazing about, staring at them as though she'd never seen anything quite that cute. Which, most likely, she hadn't.

"We'll see you later," Edward said. "I'll call when we get there."

"No you won't."

"Well, you would know." She heard Alice chuckle.

"If I demanded that you let me go and tell me where we're going, would you?" She asked, though she knew the answer.

"You know the answer to that," he said playfully. She nodded and snuggled down, putting her head on his shoulder. She believed for a second that she could hear his heart beat, and when she realized that it must have been wishful thinking, she felt sad. Her heart wasn't beating anymore, either.

She felt herself being slipped in to the car, felt the engine turn, and was almost to sleep when she felt the car begin to slow. They had been driving for God knows how long, and Bella was beginning to grow nervous. She felt herself being picked up, again, and taken up stairs before being sat down again. She was beginning to feel like a doll who was carted everywhere, given her own seat, but still able to do nothing for herself.

"Captain Nelson, we're ready, if you are."

"Right away, Mr. Cullen. And thank you so much for flying with Nelson Business Line today."

"Edward….I hate flying…"

"I know, love, but there isn't any way around this. Just…trust me. It's not like it can hurt you anymore, anyway," Edward whispered. She smiled.

"Can you at least take this damn blindfold off of me now? I feel like I'm being led off to torture." He chuckled and his cold had slipped in to hers. She wondered if her hand felt cold against his, now.

"Not a chance, my love. Just give it a while longer." Bella settled back, and was glad when Edward consented to playing music. She was expecting to feel headphones slipped over her ears, but was even more overjoyed when she heard the striking chords of her song fill the entire plane.

"You had this planned, didn't you?"

"I had an idea. So, tell me…are you glad?"

"Glad? How couldn't I be? This dress is gorgeous, I look beautiful, and I'm here with you."

"I mean…are you glad you made the choice to…be with me." She knew what he meant, and was ready to answer before the question was even out of his mouth.

"Eternally. Literally." She laughed. He did, too.

"I'm glad, also. More glad than you'll ever know."

"Well, now you have time to explain it to me. If you'll ever take this damn blindfold off!"

"Just a little longer, darling. Here, I got you something to eat." She smiled and raised the fork he presented to her carefully. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until the metallic smell of blood wafted under her nose.

"Steak?"

"Not perfect, but the best I can do. I know it's cold, but there are SOME limitations to this plane, no oven being one of them."

"It's fine. Delicious," she mumbled, her mouth full of raw steak. He had three prepared for her, and she finished off each of them, completely. By the time she was done, she felt sleep began to take her over again. She snuggled down next to Edward, breathing in his scent, her hair falling in her face. When she brushed off of her, she heard Edward purr. He loved her scent more than he was able to deal with, even know.

As the sun sank more and more towards the horizon, the small pain began to fill with shadows. After a few more hours of allowing her to sleep, Edward woke her gently. He knew it wouldn't be much longer that she would actually be able to sleep. As soon as the actual poison filtered through her system – as soon as she was able to move again – she would loose that ability to sleep, an ability that he missed more than he let on. Even so, he couldn't let her miss this.

"Darling, its time to wake up. Look outside." Bella squinted as light flooded her eyes, as the darkness was removed and the dim light shone too bright for her to handle. She rubbed sleep from her eyes and looked out the small window. Her breath caught in her throat.

Below her, coming up faster and faster, was a palace, completely carved from huge blocks of ice. The ice, in the late daylight, threw color everywhere, crystals of light and pure ice that, even from farther away, looked almost too delicate to touch. From what she could see, the castle had numerous rooms, a courtyard, and, in the distance, what looked like the frozen bank of a lake. It was beautiful in a way that she had come to love with Edward. Fragile, dangerous, breathtaking.

"Welcome to the ice hotel, honeymoon home of Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen." There may have been more to his speech, but his words were silenced by the crushing force of her lips against his.


End file.
